7:18 pm
“hello., nka uwi kn.,?”
8:07 pm
“Nasa comshop ako.”
8:29 pm
“pwede kbng mka usap.,?”
“Sa text lng.”
“s txt lng.,?”
“limited lng tong txt ko e.”
“gnun? ok., x] n i2rita knb skin.,? ung totoo wah, i just want to know., f u dont mind.,”
“Hnd naman. Mejo lang.”
“bkt.,?”
“Kc, parang hnd ko na gusto ung takbo ng pagkakaibigan natin.”
“bkt.,? san b npu2nta.,? hnggng friendship lng b tau.,?”
“Oo. Hanggang dun lang tlaga. Hnd pa tlaga ako redi.”
“ung 22o po wah., u don’t lyk me.,? i mean d muh kuh typ nuh.,?”
“Hnd naman sa ganon. Ayoko pa tlaga.”
“nope., i just wnt d truth., x]”
“Un na nga ung totoo. Hnggang frnds lng.”
“ok., i understand., x] well, thank u 4 d gud moment. X] im still ur frend, don’t woree., XD”
“Salamat. :)”
“no problem., x] IM GLAD I LOVED YOU., x]”
It has been quite a long time when I started this guessing game. I gambled because I know I’m strong and love was proven by words. My friends can’t understand what’s happening and why the hell am I holding from this thread-like hope I have here in my heart. I never mind and just got on with it. I know my friends are sorry for me but I don’t care. I madly and deeply love her. It went on and on and on, receiving words of hope and encouragement and words of worries and care. It is when a friend once told me right before all of these happened: “Baka you are not meant to be. You will find another, that’s for sure.” I just smiled, looked at the ground and melancholic thoughts rose up. I almost shed a tear, yes. I held back, looked at her eyes and slyly smiled. I didn’t think from then on, I will face the sad truth. It’s finally time for the warrior to stop waging wars, for the musician to stop composing and playing smooth rhapsodies, for the abandoned to stop waiting for a helping hand and for me to finally realize that one day, you will discover that you are not good enough and even love can never aide.
I already heard them. I already accepted what they’re saying. I already stopped making expectations and just went with the flow for a long time ago. But, I never though that this’ll still pinch my soul making droplets flow out of its windows. I hoped, I prayed, I lived for it, I waited, I managed, I compartmentalized, I became deaf, I endured, I conquered over my doubts, I enjoyed moments with her even its just a small conversation through text messaging, and most of all, I loved. This is not about regrets, to be honest. I’m glad I loved her; exactly like I told her in my final message. I’m happy thinking about her, about cheesy stuffs we might do if, only if, we ended up having each others’ arms, about sharing thoughts and dreams with her, about moments we felt like we are for each other, about giving things that’ll make her smile and remember me and about saving all my love just for her.
Am I hurting? Definitely. I can’t deny the fact that I’m hurt when she told me that “We’re just friends and not going any further.” As a chain message goes: “Friend is the most painful address made to you by someone you really.” I was hurt BADLY. It felt really painful that I can’t manage to cry. I can’t burst out. It’s clogging through my heart that emotions were held captive inside. Or maybe I can’t accept the fucking reality? Maybe. Maybe not. I never thought that things would be smooth-sailing. I never prejudiced that we will end up enjoying each other’s company as a couple. Never did I say that I’ll get “bitter” if she wouldn’t be destined to be with me. But sometimes, pain makes you realize that you’re just a human. Its human’s weakness: pain. It’s what makes us human. Everybody felt pain in their own variances. But this one? I can’t imagine how painful it gets. Time passes by and it is making this realizations sink in to my tipsy brain.
I love her. I care for her. I want her happiness. I want to be with her. I want to lock her in my arms. I want to laugh and share best moments with her. I hoped that these things went inside her. She’s my Christmas wish. She might be my resolution in this year.
But this time, I should really sheath my sword, tear my scores into pieces, break down my old piano, ignore hands waiting for my pending decision and wish that someday and somehow, everything will feel like ages ago.
Because this time, I realized, I’m not good enough. The waiting should be put into halt. And the FUCKING LOVE didn’t aide my hoping heart.
